So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
