u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
