Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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