Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You made out with two different species that night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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