my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
In America we eat man semen.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
