Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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