Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
