I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
