i was born a porn star she said
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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