I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
