I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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