I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
