we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
