Your mouth is God's brothel.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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