If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
