You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
