you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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