Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
