i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
