Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize