dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
