I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
