the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
