How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
