oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
