Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
