You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize