Four minutes until I can fart!
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
