I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
