I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I want a musical about memes.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
