Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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