i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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