if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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