took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
