i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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