Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
