Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
