My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Found your dick twin last night
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
