I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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