No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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