what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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