I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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