how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
