Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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