1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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