i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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