why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
