I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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