Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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