i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
