Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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