I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize