You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
