So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
