there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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