The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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